Finding The Right Words of Comfort
What does one say to distraught and grieving parents who have just buried their young child?Truthfully there isn’t much we can say that will help. We can express our sorrow and sympathy. We can offer words of care and concern and of course love. We can tell the parents that we shall pray for them. But for most of us the truth is that we don’t know what to say.
I stood a short distance from the family as mourners came to offer their condolences after the burial. And I watched and listened as people so desperately tried to convey their compassion over the tragic loss this young couple have just experienced.
Some fumbled with words then simply broke into tears. Others offered sentiments that some might consider to be inane or even cruel. ‘You’re both young, you’ll have more children,’ one woman offered. The couple were too lost in their grief to even comprehend what the woman had said.
Perhaps it’s because we don’t know what to say that we sometimes say the wrong things. In our distress with another person’s suffering we often feel that we must offer words that will somehow help move the grieving individuals along.
Personally, I feel there is much more of a spiritual connection and sentiment in the power of a silent embrace. No words are necessary to convey sharing the human emotion of pain and sorrow and loss. Especially when we all accept that there are no answers. And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.
One elderly gentleman suggested that the child’s death was God’s will. I disagree. The God we worship, our God who watches over us, doesn’t will the death of children, or the pain of their parents. Many, many things that happen in this world are not the will of God. That is part of the price of the freedom we have been given by God.
I watched the couple stand in numb silence as an aunt told them that God wanted their son in Heaven with Him. While I am confident God has welcomed him into His kingdom, I am certain God did not want this child to die right now so that He could have him there.
Others continued to offer the same thought; that they were young and they could have more children. This may be true, but other children will never replace this little life. He was his own person. The empty place his death has left in their hearts will never be filled simply because they have another child. Nor should it be. Every child is unique and precious. I realise that people say such things with a desire to comfort the bereaved. They desperately long to find some way to help. May God Bless them for it.
But know that we are faced with a mystery - the mystery of life, and of death, in which there are no easy answers.
And for the grieving parents who may feel that no one will ever understand their pain?...
God understands. He has a son who died also.
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What NOT to Say to Someone Dying
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Labels: comforting words, Comforting Words Death, Comforting words for loss of child, Death of a child, healing words death, words for death of infant, words of comfort, Words of comfort for loss of child
posted by Father Bill Haymaker | 09:22:00
14 Comments:
Father--
You speak of eloquent truths to the mystery of any young person's passing. We all as humans struggle to understand the message that surely follows such grief. However the message is never clear in the moment to those who it affects most. It is however granted to the many others who may look at their own day-to-day blessings that maybe they hadn't noticed or seen until they saw this couple's grief. That said, there is always a lesson to be learned by the mysteries of faith, God willing, this family will draw one from this event in time. Nice post. Nice blog as well.
Father Bill-
I am one of the many who came up to you after the funeral for little Laura this week. You may remember me - I told you about my sons death.
I wanted to say thank you. I have never in my life seen such a beautiful service. You helped to put Theresa and Brians loss into perspective for them and you helped me too. I wish we had met you when our Kenneth died. I'm sad for Theresa and Brian but I wanted you to know that your kind and compassionate words gave me a new look at our life. I'm even smiling as I write this. I and my husband will continue to pray for Theresa and Brian and I hope that our own experience will help them. But you made the greatest difference. God bless you. Maybe we will see you when you come to visit them this weekend. Thank you again for making the service so beautiful and including all the children in the service. I'll remember this for the rest of my life!
Margaret and Peter Martin in Hastings
No one fully understands the loss of a child or what to say at the death of a child. But you have helped me more than anyone with your simple yet powerful words. My daughter died recently from a drug overdose. My husband and I had no idea she had been taking drugs and we are still in shock. I'm still angry at the minister we had because he did nothing more than read from some papers and the Bible. I don't even think he said our daughters name. I found peace in reading your thoughts and I'm waiting for my husband to come home so I can show him. Thank you and please write more.
What do you say to a child who is dieing? Are there comforting words you can say or prayers for a dieing child that will help them? I don't know what to say or even how to ask what I need to know!
We attended the service you did on Friday for Stuart Hazlehurst. I had to say what a nice service it was. What I liked most is that you didn't focus on Stuarts disability but on all the beautiful memories. Ive been to many funerals but have never seen one like you did where you included the children. That was the sweetest part of the service and I know it meant a great deal to Stuarts mother and father. God bless you.
I found your site looking for some words of comfort for loss and grief. Our neighbors son has died and we want to say something to the them but don’t know what to say. This has helped very much. It isn’t the words of comfort it’s the act of being there for them and grieving with them that will give the most comfort. Thank you for sharing this.
Father, I am attending the funeral of a baby in two days' time. I am friends of the parents and this was their first child.
I personally have always favoured few words (or none) rather than risk saying the wrong thing, and always hug my friends if I think it will help. I am concerned about how I will handle it, as I have never experienced this before, but your blog, I hope, has given me strength to help my friends, whose anguish must outweigh my anxiety a million fold.
Bless you.
Glad to have found your little blog. Bless you! I'm a nurse in Ireland and a family just lost their child. Even after all our training we still get lost sometimes. Thank you for your suggestion. We all cried together without saying anything. J Naeve
Friends of ours have just lost their 6 month old son to lukemia. I'm afraid I've already said some stupid things. Glad I found your words. You're right. There really aren't any words that will make a difference right now. The embrace will mean much more.
Whether you are Christian or Jewish the pain and suffering of loss is no different. We cry to G-d and find meaning and comfort in saying Kaddish and the important dates of memorials that follow during Shiva and Shloshim. Take note at what is written. The quiet embrace says more than any of the words you might ever think of!
My beautiful daugher died yesterday. Its the middle of the night and I cant sleep. Ive been looking through the internet to find something that will help take the pain away. nothing does. But your words have helped me some because I have already had people say some things that made me angry. I wold rather they don't say anything instead of trying to say something just because they feel they have to. This isnt making sense but thank you. I dont know where you are but I think you would be nice to talk to.
I read your other blog about only dying. If we accept God in our lives there should always be the connection to know when he is calling us. You have a lovely gift from God. Bless you.
Father Bill -- Your comments about the death of an innocent soul not being part of God's will really rang true to me. Too often I have heard people say, you'll have another child, your child is in a better place, at least your little one isn't suffering, it was God's will, etc.
I think we share the belief that we are paying a price for the freedom of choice given to us by God. We often make choices that don't impact on us individually, but on others, for example, the use of pesticides, industrial pollution, food additives, cars that can go too fast, poorly designed roadways, and the list goes on.
As a result, we must accept with this freedom much pain and suffering. But the God that I know and love does not cause that suffering, instead He is there to hold me up when I suffer. He shares my pain and supports me.
Thank you for your inspiring words and may God give you the grace and strength to continue.
We were at the funeral of little Lewis and Taylor Jenkins. It was a beautiful service but heartbreaking for everyone. I didnt know your daughter was responsible for the painting of the coffins. They were so beautiful and I know the boys would be so proud to know they had such special coffins. It is sad that the father could not attend but Im glad you read his words. It made everyone cry. Thank you for helping so much.
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