Finding The Right Words of Comfort

What does one say to distraught and grieving parents who have just buried their young child?

. Truthfully there isn’t much we can say that will help. We can express our sorrow and sympathy. We can offer words of care and concern and of course love. We can tell the parents that we shall pray for them. But for most of us the truth is that we don’t know what to say.

I stood a short distance from the family as mourners came to offer their condolences after the burial. And I watched and listened as people so desperately tried to convey their compassion over the tragic loss this young couple have just experienced.

Some fumbled with words then simply broke into tears. Others offered sentiments that some might consider to be inane or even cruel. ‘You’re both young, you’ll have more children,’ one woman offered. The couple were too lost in their grief to even comprehend what the woman had said.

Perhaps it’s because we don’t know what to say that we sometimes say the wrong things. In our distress with another person’s suffering we often feel that we must offer words that will somehow help move the grieving individuals along.

Personally, I feel there is much more of a spiritual connection and sentiment in the power of a silent embrace. No words are necessary to convey sharing the human emotion of pain and sorrow and loss. Especially when we all accept that there are no answers. And so we weep at what has happened. And so too - God weeps with us.

One elderly gentleman suggested that the child’s death was God’s will. I disagree. The God we worship, our God who watches over us, doesn’t will the death of children, or the pain of their parents. Many, many things that happen in this world are not the will of God. That is part of the price of the freedom we have been given by God.

I watched the couple stand in numb silence as an aunt told them that God wanted their son in Heaven with Him. While I am confident God has welcomed him into His kingdom, I am certain God did not want this child to die right now so that He could have him there.

Others continued to offer the same thought; that they were young and they could have more children. This may be true, but other children will never replace this little life. He was his own person. The empty place his death has left in their hearts will never be filled simply because they have another child. Nor should it be. Every child is unique and precious. I realise that people say such things with a desire to comfort the bereaved. They desperately long to find some way to help. May God Bless them for it.

But know that we are faced with a mystery - the mystery of life, and of death, in which there are no easy answers.

And for the grieving parents who may feel that no one will ever understand their pain?...

God understands. He has a son who died also.

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Bedside Prayer for Death of a Child

Words of Comfort for The Dying

What NOT to Say to Someone Dying

A Child's Death

A Childs Funeral

A Night Vigil For The Dying

I'm Only Dying!

Child Suffering

When Friends and Family Are Needed Most

Exploited Children

Could You Help Save a Child?

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Faith Is Not A Crutch For Living

Our national charity for the elderly, Help the Aged, recently published a report entitled Dying in Older Age. It aims to lift the profile on the spiritual beliefs and stories of older people and help all of us avoid the nervousness with which we so often approach the subject of death.

Old age is often a synonym for ‘problem people’ - a liability to the optimism of our Brave New World. People fear the mortality of old age. But that's nothing new. The Irish poet, W B Yeats, who felt old from the age of forty, went kicking and screaming into old age.

‘What shall I do with this absurdity,
O heart, O troubled heart - this caricature,
Decrepit age which has been tied to me as to a dog's tail?' - he asked.

Not a great advert for senior citizenship then, is it?

But whenever I spoke with my friend Sarah I quickly had a rather un-Yeats like version of old age. She kept control of all her faculties to the very end of her life. You needed to be very careful what you whispered to anyone if you were sitting close to her. And a matter of hours before she died, even though she could no longer talk, I vividly recall her bearing down with her jaw, determined not to let anyone remove her false teeth.

And she's not alone. Britain has a veritable 'Methuselan' roll call of people who have accomplished great things in their advancing years. Like Elizabeth Scofield: At 84, and with an 80% mark, she became 'top girl' in her Reading and Writing Course. Or take Percy and Florence Arrow-Smith, married for 80 years. They hold the world record for the longest marriage. Sadly, Percy died a few weeks after their anniversary. But he was the quintessential model of dignity and marital endurance.

Old age still has a lot to say to us in life, as much as in death. It was only a little more than a few years ago that Pope John Paul brought the world to a standstill, pulling princes, politicians, and the public into his vulnerability and death.

We need models of how to live. But we also need to know how to finish well. Each of us has a responsibility to help our elderly finish with dignity and reverence. So beyond pension schemes and Meals on Wheels, respect and honour will go a long way in helping to achieve it.

Finishing well must be numbered amongst the great virtues of faith. Faith is not a crutch for living. It's a springboard, which takes us beyond death. For Christians, it is faith in the living Christ, which best prepares us to finish well.If you're a young person reading this blog, please don't discount the infinite rewards of investing a few hours a week simply sharing thoughts with a senior person. You'll be amazed by how much they actually understand you! And if you're a person who already has a bit of snow on your roof, but still lots of fire in your furnace, there's plenty to be learned about a life to come.

Granted, you may not always like what you see, but you'll still have the energy to help change it!

And by sharing time with a senior, you may gain valuable insight as to how you'll cope in the years to come!

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I'm Only Dying!

Remember Me

Falling In Love At Clapham Junction

The Power of Words

Anglican Prayers Anglicans Anglican Thoughts

Tut Tut Looks Like Rain

My GP and I have this incredible love/hate relationship. It has lasted for years. We both love life and we both hate having to face one another when it involves serious issues!

A few years ago she asked me ‘Bill, what would you do if I said you were getting fat?’ ‘Easy,’ I responded, ‘I’d get a bigger doctor!’ And that was the end of that conversation. As I recall, our focus then drifted to which was our favourite doughnut at the Krispy Kreme shop in Harrods!

We both have such a high regard for life and for living that our visits always include discussions about a vast range of general world concerns. Consequently, whatever I may have come for becomes nothing more than a postscript. It’s just that we both seem to happily fuel off of one another and I’m as happy to see her as she is to see me.

Several years ago, we both agreed that if it ever came to having to talk about anything deeply serious, then we’d just talk about the weather instead. It was an off the cuff comment I made to her because she had just related to me what a terrible week she’d been through. I wanted to cheer her up.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I popped in this week to see her, when she looked at me and said ‘Tut, tut, looks like rain, Christopher Robin.’

Well done. I think she’ll go far!

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Helping to Ease the Pain of Dying

Bedside Prayer for Death of a Child

Falling In Love At Clapham Junction

Finding The Right Words Of Comfort

Not That Old Chestnut Again!

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Helping To Ease The Pain

We so desperately want to find comforting words to say to someone who has cancer or any other illness that causes extreme pain. We’re often frightened by the prospects of their suffering and scour the internet or books to find anything to say that may help.

And whilst the number of things we can say is  infinitesimal, what I imagine to be the worst, the most meaningless thing to say to anyone is “I know how you feel.” 

I promise you – you don’t!

You certainly might be able to imagine another person’s pain, but frankly how you perceive it is meaningless to the person who is suffering. That’s why doctors and surgeons have such a difficult time in managing the physical pain of patients who are suffering from events, ranging from a simple surgery to the all consuming aggressive forms of cancer, that slowly eat away from within. Doctors can only compare you with all the other patients they’ve dealt with – much like dealing with an actuarial table from a life assurance company. 

There are so many different types of pain. From all the patients I’ve had the honour to sit with, who move through varying degrees of expressing their suffering, be it a quiet rhythmic whimpering, to screaming with agony just before their body surrenders its life force, it is profoundly clear how deeply personal our pain is. 

There are those who suffer excruciating pain, not only of the physical type, but of the emotional as well: ask any loving parent who has a child in hospital. We would do anything to take that pain upon ourselves – and we do, often ten-fold. It is that suffering we witness that often calls us to either question or bargain with God. 

And there are those who are suffering the emotional and spiritual pain of loss or failure. It’s often seen most vividly at a point where the sufferer knows their life is ending, but their spirit still struggles to rectify whatever it may be they feel they’ve done wrong; perhaps a failed relationship, a wrong they committed upon a spouse or family member, or even an unfulfilled promise they may have made. 

The great Anglican author C.S. Lewis, sought to find goodness through suffering. He felt there was a divine purpose in the experience of pain, often saying “How true it is that glory so often comes through suffering and pain.” 

Some simple thoughts to consider in order to avoid placing the proverbial foot in one’s mouth are: 

Try simple thoughts of love and support. You needn’t be a Rhodes Scholar. Holding the hand of your loved one or friend creates a powerful connectivity and is a profoundly personal gesture of care and love. Ask if there is anything you may do to assist, is there anyone they would like for you to contact, letters you may write on their behalf. In fact, ask if it’s ok for you to speak with others about them. Some people see their suffering as sacrosanct and not to be a topic of discussion with anyone! 

Don’t be so crass as to meet with someone when they’ve first been diagnosed with cancer, saying how great they look! That’s a very common faux pas and can actually be quite insulting. How should the person look? It’s almost as if you’ve willed them to drop the façade they’ve spent days to create, because you want to see them suffer! And don’t forget, just because someone has been diagnosed with cancer, doesn’t mean that it’s terminal. 

Don’t automatically assume that someone will lose their hair if they’re taking chemotherapy. I’ve actually had to pull a couple away from a large gathering around a bed, of someone who was struggling with their chemo because I, (and I was certain the patient too), could hear this couple loudly whispering about whether the patient was wearing a wig. What caused my arm to instantly reach out for the couple was when the woman whispered to her husband that it 'didn’t even look as if the patient was dying, she looked so well!' 

It is during these challenging times when both sufferer and carer alike can find the most powerful form of communication and medicine in one. It has always been there, all you need to do is ask.

That is through the power of prayer.

.Posted for Fr. Bill

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Words of Comfort and Prayer for the Dying

When Do We Have a Good Death?

I'm Only Dying

Tut Tut Looks Like Rain

Prayer at the Time of Death

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Make Me Feel Good About Myself !

‘What’s in it for me?’ and ‘Make me feel good about myself!’ In the most guttural sense, isn’t that what western society is all about?

Perhaps I'm being a tad too cynical you might say? Maybe you're right, but it has been a long day.

Isn’t it sad that we’re not born inherently nice? Life’s experiences can leave people bitter. And at the other end of the spectrum there are those who have been served by others for so much of their lives, they could never understand the concept of sharing kindness for kindness sake. It takes more than work to overcome this.

For many, it's a real challenge when you commit yourself to changing your focus from yourself to others. OK, it may not be top rate at first, but the commitment must start somewhere; like the story about the man who goes to a priest: 'Father,' he says, 'I've come about Mrs. McGillicutty. She has no food, the small room she lives in is ice cold, and she's so behind in her rent she may be evicted - what's going to happen to her, Father?’

‘Well, God bless you for your concern,' said the priest, 'I'll arrange to raise some funds for her through the church. Tell me, are you related?' the priest asked. 'No,' said the man. 'A friend?’ asks the priest. 'No, I never really see her, at the most once a month.'

Well,’ says the priest, ‘your act of human kindness shows you are serving God. So how did you meet Mrs. McGillicutty?'

'I'm her landlord,' said the man.

Perhaps today is the day we can commit an act of kindness just for kindness' sake.

Yep, very long day!


Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause others pain.1 Chronicles 4:1

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